It was Tyler again, she knew it. Katherine DeMarco stepped outside her classroom, surveyed the crowd forming around another disturbance in the playground and knew immediately it had something to do with him. It was October and the amount of trouble the kid had already gotten into while in her fifth grade class was almost impressive. It had to be some kind of record.
As she made her way toward them, a couple of students moved and she was able to see exactly what was going on, right down to the terrified look on Freddie’s face and the determined scowl on Tyler’s. That’s when it happened: One solid push and Freddie was flat on his back in the dirt and Tyler towered menacingly above him.
“Tyler! I saw that!”
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Tyler turned with one startled motion, but the look on his face was more stubborn than ever. And something else flashed behind his eyes. Katherine couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but there was no doubt in her mind this was one hurt and angry child.
“Tyler, there’s no pushing or shoving. You know that.”
His stare was positively hateful, and his mouth was snapped shut. It matched perfectly with the way he stood rigid with his hands clutched in two tight fists. As usual, he was making full use of the extra few inches and pounds he had on every other kid his age. It was no wonder he was universally feared by his classmates; even she was taken aback. Still, Katherine decided to take a more open approach. More than anything, she was sure he needed someone who was willing to hear him out
“What happened, Tyler? Why did you push Freddie?”
Tyler shrugged and looked away, but Katherine could see the muscle twitching in his jaw. She looked at Freddie, who was taking large, shaky breaths and using the dirty sleeve of his shirt to wipe tears from his eyes.
“Tyler, I asked you a question. What happened?”
“He started it,” Tyler finally spat, his eyes focused on Freddie, who seemed to be having a hard time pulling himself together.
But those three words were all Freddie needed. Suddenly he was jumping forward and protesting as loudly as he could, “Nu-uh, nu-uh, Miss DeMarco, I didn’t do nothing, he came and pushed me! I didn’t do anything!”
The outburst was enough to light a fire in Tyler’s eyes and Katherine knew she had to act immediately. She had dealt with Tyler so many times she knew what would happen next, and she had heard all she needed to hear.
“That’s enough. Tyler, I’m taking you to the principal’s office. You’re suspended for the rest of the day.”
* * *
Katherine still remembered the first time she spoke with Tyler’s mom. It was only a few weeks into the year, but Tyler’s violent tendencies were spiraling out of control and the school took bullying very seriously. Katherine had even taken a professional development course focusing on aggression in school, and she had learned quite a bit about the causes and necessary responses to violence. So, armed with knowledge and passion, she picked up the phone and prepared to discuss Tyler’s issues with his mother.
She could hear the TV blaring in the background and his mom seemed to be having a hard time focusing on the conversation. Even after Katherine had explained the situation a third time, she didn’t seem to understand. Or maybe she just didn’t believe her. In any case, that was why Katherine scheduled a parent-teacher conference to discuss Tyler’s behavior.
Tyler’s mom was exactly as she imagined: A little flustered, a little gruff, and very impatient. But the main thing Katherine noticed was the way Tyler acted around her. He was quiet, solemn, and so very small. His mom dragged him around by the arm like an accessory, pushed him into a chair and told him to wait there without so much as a glance.
The meeting itself was frustrating. Katherine’s patient explanation of the situation was useless against his mom’s excuses. She blamed his absentee father, she blamed the school, she even blamed the other kids in his class. But most of all, she seemed skeptical of her son actually having a bullying problem. Katherine would never presume to know anything about Tyler’s mother’s situation or the things their family had been through, but she did feel like she had had the opportunity to glimpse into his life and she thought she understood a little about what he needed. He needed to be understood; he needed to be listened to. But she couldn’t explain that without upsetting his mother or making her feel like she was attacking their way of life. She would just have to try to reach him on her own.
She only had a few minutes with him on the walk over to the principal’s office, but she felt like his silent brooding made it a perfect time to try to do just that.
“Tyler,” she began, taking a deep breath, “I know you’re angry. You want people to treat you a certain way, but they’re not going to as long as you choose to push them and act out in anger. You have to respect people to get respect.”
Katherine peered at his face as they walked, but saw no reaction. If anything, his jaw was set sharper and his eyebrows were stitched tighter, but she continued anyway.
“Every day you make the choice to be happy and treat others well or treat them poorly, and right now you’re going to the principal’s office because you made a poor choice. But it doesn’t have to be like this. You can make better choices. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She really didn’t think Tyler was a bad kid, and she wanted him to know that. Just because he made a few bad decisions didn’t mean he was a bad person, but she was pretty sure he didn’t think that way. That’s why she tried to avoid using words like “bad” and focused the negativity on his choices, not him as a person. She wanted him to know he could make good decisions, and just because he messed up one day didn’t mean he couldn’t do better the next day. They had reached Mr. Reed’s office, and as good as her intentions were, Katherine had the sinking feeling nothing she was saying was getting through to him.
“You have to give respect to get respect, Tyler,” she said once more. He had stopped in front of the door next to her and was doing all he could to avoid her gaze. She didn’t want this to end on a bad note. She knew he could behave better; he just needed to believe it. She waited until he looked up, then she gave him the brightest smile she could.
“If you make the choice to be happy, you’ll be surprised what can happen. What do you have to lose?”
And after she had sent him inside to deal with the principal and the door had closed behind her, Katherine had no idea if anything would change. She didn’t know if Tyler would ever find the courage to be himself and rely on his personality rather than fear to get respect. She didn’t know if his mom would ever understand her son enough to be able to help him through the struggles he seemed to be going through alone. She didn’t know if she would ever get through to him. But she had tried her best. And although it killed her to admit it, even if nothing changed, at least she had done her job. That was all she could do.